University of Wisconsin - Extension

Between Thanksgiving and Christmas, many Americans rush from store to store in a present-buying frenzy - checking items off their lists and exhausting themselves and their budgets.

However, giving - and receiving -- a real "gift" is something that feels quite different and can change the whole focus of the holiday season for both adults and children, according to a 4-H youth development specialist at University of Wisconsin-Extension.

"I think presents and gifts are two different things," explained Patricia Day, a 4-H youth development specialist with University of Wisconsin-Extension. "During the holidays we often buy lots of presents - things to wrap up for other people to open. Gifts, on the other hand, arise from a true spirit of giving and need not always cost a lot of money. What's important is learning how to tell the difference.

"Parents can help their children appreciate the great value of a real gift above all the other less significant presents they may receive," she said.

Day urges parents to look for opportunities to remind their children that a gift comes from the heart of the giver and is intended to be a symbol of the love and caring between two people. "That means that if your grandmother, who loves you dearly, gives you something you think is really yucky, it is important to understand that it's not the gift but her intention that is the important thing," she said.

On the other hand, by Day's definition, a present is something that is given because it is expected. For example, imagine you are part of a family where the adults are expected to give something to every niece and nephew, even if you have little contact with them. To keep things fair and manageable, you buy a fast food coupon for each niece and nephew. This present fulfills your obligation and it doesn't take much thought or time. But it's just a present.

"Parents can help their children recognize which of their presents truly are gifts, and to receive those gifts with appreciation for their true worth," Day said. "Of course this isn't all that easy, even for grown-ups, but it's a good start to try to remember to express true appreciation - to say 'thank you' and really mean it."

Parents can use the holiday season to help their children learn to become more generous toward others and more appreciative of the generosity they receive. Here are some ideas to incorporate into the weeks before and after the holidays.

• Talk to children about what they want to give - not just about what they want to get. What can children give as gifts? Grandparents are sure to be charmed by a gift of artwork from very small children, so encourage the young ones to paint a picture or make a card. However, Day thinks that children who are old enough to have money to spend on themselves should be encouraged to spend some of their money to buy gifts for others.
• Encourage children to search for a gift that reflects the person who will receive it. "Even adults sometimes give a gift that is something the giver - not the receiver -- really wants."
• Talk to children about why people give gifts in the first place. Children can begin to understand about the symbolic importance of giving and receiving gifts when they are encouraged to think about why they want to give something to people they care about.
• Encourage children to consider giving a gift that lasts all year. For example, a child could give a relative the promise of a letter or email once a month for the entire year.
• Talk to children about how to express appreciation to those who have given them a gift.
• Insist that your child send a thank-you note, even if he or she has already said thank you in person or on the phone. Day suggests making one stocking-stuffer present a box of thank-you notes and setting aside time during the week between Christmas and New Year when the whole family will work together on their thank-you letters.

Some families minimize the buying pressure by deciding to cut back on material presents and use the money to buy a family experience - a ski trip or a long weekend of going to museums and the theater in a nearby big city, Day said. Others decide to make a significant donation to a charitable organization.