University of Wisconsin - Extension

One of the hardest things about caring for an aging loved one can be realizing that you can't do everything yourself. In our culture of independence and self-sufficiency, it's sometimes incredibly hard to ask for help.

But asking for help may be the only way a caregiver can continue to provide care at home, especially as the caregivers ages and faces his or her own medical issues.

"Caregivers need to understand that by asking for help, they are not falling short in their responsibilities," says Mary Brintnall-Peterson, a University of Wisconsin-Extension program specialist in aging.

"By asking for and receiving help, caregivers are adapting to changing care needs. That doesn't mean asking is easy. But you can actually make it easier on yourself by preparing ahead of time."

Brintnall-Peterson suggests these tips in asking for assistance:

¿ Consider the person's abilities and interests. Before approaching someone with a request, think about their likes, dislikes, experiences and abilities. If someone enjoys cooking, they are more likely to agree to help you with meal preparation.

¿ Avoid asking the same person over and over, especially if they are agreeing because they have a hard time saying no.

¿ Decide the best time to make a request. A person who is tired, stressed or busy is not a good candidate for a request.

¿ Prepare a list of things that need doing. If you are unsure what people prefer to do, make a list of tasks that you need help with (cooking, errands, yard work, respite) and let them choose.

¿ Be prepared for hesitance or refusal. Your request may be answered with silence or even a no. If the person hesitates, ask, "Would you like time to think about it?"

¿ Use a matter-of-fact tone of voice that avoids whining or guilt.

¿ Make specific, rather than general requests. Instead of, "I need more help," say, "I would like to go to church on Sunday. Can you stay with Grandma from 9 a.m. to noon?"

¿ Avoid weakening your request. "Could you think about staying with Grandma while I go to church?" weakens your request.

Brintnall-Peterson says if your request is turned down, try not to take it personally and give yourself credit for asking. Try not to let a refusal prevent you from asking for help from a different person. Or, the person who refused at that time may be able to help in the future.