University of Wisconsin - Extension

MADISON, Wis.-"Sibling relationships can enrich our lives as we age," says Mary Brintnall-Peterson, University of Wisconsin-Extension program specialist in aging. "Nurturing these relationships in later life is important, as they may be our strongest surviving support system."

Sibling relationships are unique in that we share biological and cultural heritage, as well as many memories based on shared history. When adult siblings leave home to establish their own lives, it isn't unusual for their relationship to lapse during the early and middle years of adulthood. Often, what brings siblings together in later life is the need to care for ailing parents, Brintnall-Peterson says.

Most adults experience at least some denial of their parent's aging process until a critical event forces them to reconsider the parents' health and functioning, says Brintnall-Peterson. How adult siblings handle the changes in their parent's need for care depends on the history of their relationship. If they have been close, the tasks tend to be divided more equally. In other cases, siblings tend to distance themselves emotionally from one another under the stress of caregiving. Old patterns of rivalry or active conflict may arise.

Studies show that ties seem to be stronger between sisters, who report feeling closer in adulthood than when they were growing up. As people move from middle age to older adulthood, they rate their emotional closeness with siblings higher and conflict lower. Even among those over 80 years old have an average of one living sibling. And a majority of older adults consider one of their siblings to be a close friend.

"Our contact with our siblings increases as we age," Brintnall-Peterson says, "and these relationships evolve as we participate in care of our parents."

Brintnall-Peterson recommends that family members build on their strengths for sharing caregiving tasks. To avoid an unfair burden on one or more adult children, families should attempt to distribute tasks on the basis of fairness and family strengths. Tasks can be determined by the skills and preferences, location and physical health of the adult children. They may also take into consideration each other's motivations and emotions, other dependents and whether they have blocks of time versus intermittent time available to help out. Examples of tasks assigned in this way are: taking responsibility for the upkeep of a parent's home, paying bills, delivering groceries and medicines, preparing meals to freeze or paying to have meals prepared.

Out-of-town siblings can contribute to caregiving in a number of ways, giving some relief to siblings who live nearby, and staying connected to their parents and siblings. Among the ways this can be accomplished are:

• Establish routines for long distance phone calls, which are an emotional lifeline if they occur on a regular basis.

• Obtain an extension phone for an older couple. This allows both parents to participate in long-distance calls and gives equal time to each.

• Exchange phone numbers with neighbors of the parent(s). Having occasional contact with your parent's neighbors can serve as reassurance of your parent's well being.

• Send brief, newsy letters. Letters are especially good for older people with memory loss, who may forget the contents of a phone conversation. They can enjoy reading the letters more than once and even seeing them on the kitchen table can be a pleasure.

• Provide the older person with preaddressed, stamped envelopes. This stack of envelopes ready for mailing is an encouragement to write to distant family members and friends.

• Send clippings, photographs and books. These can be easier to send for family members who are not letter writers. Receiving small gifts in the mail can help an older person feel remembered and appreciated.

• Record and send tapes back and forth. Tapes are very useful for people with low-vision or memory loss and are a fun way to share family events.

In addition to sharing the burdens of parent care, the older adult years can be a time for siblings to become closer, sharing travel and friendship, and looking back on family memories with nostalgia.

For more information about aging issues, contact your county UW-Extension office.