University of Wisconsin - Extension

Being a parent is not an easy job. Normal children can be a challenge, but if your child is more energetic, intense, persistent or sensitive, the parent-child relationship can become overwhelming. Children with these 'more' traits may be referred to as 'Spirited' children, according to Nan Baumgartner, University of Wisconsin-Extension family living educator for Fond du Lac County.

Parents can find help through the UW-Extension workshop "Thriving With Your Spirited Child." Participants meet other parents of spirited children and learn strategies for dealing with their kids and helping them regain control.

"The workshop gives parents a better understanding of their child?s temperament," Baumgartner says, "which can make parenting a spirited child a little bit easier."

"As parents of a spirited child, we need to change how we think about our children so they can develop a positive sense of self," says Faden Fulleylove-Krause, UW-Extension family living educator for Calumet County. "We can help parents encourage the spirited nature of their child."

There are nine temperament traits of spirited children. By knowing your child's--and your own--temperament traits, you can help the child learn effective strategies to keep everyday activities from erupting into a major emotional blow out.

Learning the clues to their behavior is an important first step. While other kids may whimper when they're hungry or hurt, spirited children are likely to scream. Parents need to know that intense children react with more energy or excitement or pain than other children. They are not doing this on purpose or to embarrass you. Their bodies physiologically react more than those of other children.

"Our job is to 'teach' our children what they are experiencing and better ways to deal with it," says Donna Doll-Yogerst, UW-Extension family living educator for Oconto County.

She advises parents to avoid damaging labels and relabel the behavior in a positive manner. Realize that intense children do not hide their emotions--they are sensitive, expressive and dramatic. Throw out labels like loud, impatient, picky, argumentative or demanding.

"Parents need to learn the subtle, nonverbal cues that tell you the child's level of intensity is rising," Doll-Yogerst says. "Then parents can take preventive actions before the child becomes overwhelmed and has a full-blown meltdown."

Here are some strategies that work with intense kids:

1. Intervene early--you can't teach kids something new when they are losing control. Wait until they have calmed down. Then point out what you saw and how they might handle it differently. Try calming activities like baths, quiet time or reading stories.

2. Regular exercise is effective in managing intensity in parents and kids, allowing them to "blow off steam."

3. Repetitive motion, especially of the jaw, can be helpful. For young children, this might include sucking a bottle or pacifier, swinging, rocking, riding a rocking horse or in a baby carrier. For older children, try drinking from a straw, chewing gum, swinging, rocking, jumping rope or going for a walk.

4. Deep breathing helps calm children who tend to hyperventilate or hold their breath when intensity rises. You can teach them to use deep breathing by blowing bubbles, pretending to blow out candles on a birthday cake or counting to ten.

5. Use humor, but avoid sarcasm or ridicule. Try doing the unexpected--give a silly response, use a different voice or use a funny mask or puppet. Have a family "I had a bad day" party with pizza and ice cream and let kids discuss their day.

6. Change the scene in order to disconnect from the source of intensity. Encourage sensory activities. Use play-doh or silly putty; give back scratches or massage; dim lights in the room; use a sensory bucket filled with water, sand or oatmeal. Other ideas include reading, playing dress up, or water play in the bath or sink.

7. Provide a time and space for cooling off. Teach kids ways to calm down. Choose a quiet, comfortable spot. Teach them that time-out is an opportunity to pull out of the action in order to rest, relax and regain control. Help them feel comfortable taking a break.

For more information about parenting a spirited child, contact your http://www1.uwex.edu/ces/cty">county UW-Extension office.