University of Wisconsin - Extension

Contact: Mary Brintnall-Peterson, 608-262-8083, mary.brintnall-peterson@ces.uwex.edu

Madison, Wis.--Adult children who are visiting older parents they have not seen for awhile may find that the holidays provide an opportunity to observe their parents’ health and any problems their parents may be having as they age.

According to Mary Brintnall-Peterson, University of Wisconsin-Extension specialist in aging, there are some warning signs that a parent may need assistance. They include:

• Being unsteady while standing.
• Looking thinner or eating poorly.
• Having trouble getting out of the house or no longer driving.
• Having low spirits or appearing depressed.
• Having trouble remembering major events.
• Having difficulty keeping track of medications.
• Finding it hard to get to appointments or run errands.
• Having recently lost someone close to them due to illness or death.

If any of these apply to your parent, the first and most important step is to have a conversation about what’s happening, says Brintnall-Peterson.

But before you decide to sit down with your parent, consider that the holidays themselves can cause stress that might affect behavior. Some of the changes you see may actually be the result of temporary stress your parent is experiencing.

"Everyone thinks of the holidays as a time of joy and happiness," says Brintnall-Peterson. "But if an individual has suffered losses, they may be thinking of people they miss and appear to be depressed. Some people are uncomfortable with lots of people and commotion and tend to withdraw. And some behavior may even be due to strained family relationships. Ask other people, such as neighbors, how they think your parents are doing. Consider everything that’s happening before you begin a conversation about their health and their need for help," she advises.

If you determine that your concerns need to be addressed, be prepared in advance. "Many older adults are reluctant to talk about their declining health, limited physical function and increased dependence," says Brintnall-Peterson. "Adult children may be uncomfortable facing their parents’ mortality and taking on new responsibilities--thus avoiding difficult conversations also," she says.

She offers these suggestions for beginning the discussion:

• Emphasize the importance of planning while your parent can participate in making decisions.
• Phrase your concerns as questions to allow your parents to express their preferences. Find out about plans they might have already made.
• Establish several issues that need to be talked about, such as finances, housing, health care, household chores, etc.
• Don’t avoid difficult issues. It doesn’t help to gloss over financial needs or a worsening medical condition.
• Show support. Remind your parents that the goal is to find the best care possible and that you want to honor their wishes.
• Accept your parents’ feelings and preferences and make a genuine attempt to address them.
• Be patient. You may not be able to make decisions in the first discussion.
• Seek guidance or an outside opinion from a doctor, financial advisor, lawyer, clergy or other professional before taking any medical, financial or legal steps.

To find out more about family caregiving resources, visit the UW-Extension website http://www.uwex.edu/ces/flp/caregving/ or http://www.extension.org/ for additional information on how to discuss difficult financial related concerns.