University of Wisconsin - Extension

MADISON, Wis.-"Friendships continue to be very important to our psychological and physical health as we get older," says Mary Brintnall-Peterson, University of Wisconsin-Extension program specialist in aging.

Friendship involves enjoyment, acceptance, trust, respect, mutual assistance, confiding, understanding and spontaneity, Brintnall-Peterson says. And, having a confidant - a close and trusted friend - is a critical aspect of how we adapt to aging as measured by our morale, physical health and ability to cope with stress.

A recent study on the importance of friendship among older women found that both friendships and family supports were equally effective among married and never-married women in combating loneliness and isolation.

"We are conditioned to believe that being alone is to be dreaded, so we develop the expectation that solitude may bring sadness," says Brintnall-Peterson. "However, research has revealed that people who choose to live alone are no more lonely than people who live with others. Our social connections can make the difference."

A social convoy is the network of close relationships we maintain throughout life. The size of the social convoy-between two to five close relationships-does not seem to change much during adulthood, although the members may change. Throughout the adult years, women seem to have larger social convoys than men and maintain their friendships longer than men do. Older women expect friendships to be as reciprocal as they were in middle adulthood. Older women also tend to have meaningful friendships with men-typically platonic relationships in which the men help with domestic chores as well as provide closeness and support.

"Because women have larger social convoys than men," Brintnall-Peterson says, "they are more likely to suffer psychologically when negative experiences befall their friends, confidants and spouses. And, because women tend to live longer than men, women are more often called upon to adjust to one of life's most significant stressors, the death of a spouse."

While each friendship is unique, Brintnall-Peterson offers the following suggestions from University of Kentucky Cooperative Extension to help nourish healthy relationships of all kinds.

-- Judge not. If we knew the past experiences of those around us, their hurts and fears, their hopes and dreams, we would be far more compassionate. Whether your friend is a child, your spouse, or a co-worker, try to understand what life is like from his or her perspective.

-- Listen wholeheartedly. Temporarily put aside your own concerns and listen with total receptivity to your friend.

-- Show appreciation. A sincere compliment, often no more than a few well-timed and honest words, can do wonders in lifting the spirit of another. As Mark Twain put it, "I can live for two months on one good compliment." Focus on the positive qualities in those around you and express your appreciation.

-- Have fun. Bring a gentle joy to your relationships-a warmth that comes from your heart and lights your face with pleasantness. As appropriate, play, laugh, share good times, and enjoy adventures together. Celebrate life's blessings.

-- Be authentic. Don't pretend-to yourself or others-to be any different from who you really are. Don't hide any part of yourself. Don't lie, but do use good judgment in knowing when to remain silent. Speak freely, but in an appropriately sensitive manner.

-- Give love. The giving and receiving of love is at the heart of all healthy relationships. In a casual interaction, an expression of love may simply consist of a warm smile in passing. The possibilities for showing affection and thoughtfulness in deeper friendships are endless. Love is a boomerang; the more you give it away, the more it comes back to you.

-- Embrace growth opportunities. When a disagreement arises, or your patience is tried, or you feel hurt, angry, or fearful, welcome these as opportunities for learning and growing. Avoid blaming; focus instead on changing yourself in positive and creative ways. Of course, don't allow yourself to be mistreated, and know when to ask for a helping hand.

-- Forgive. We all make mistakes; it's part of learning. Be quick to forgive those around you and yourself. Forgiveness doesn't condone wrong behavior; it simply allows for fresh starts. Through the gift of forgiveness, you free yourself from resentment and negativity.

-- Respect the mystery. Every individual is an unfolding mystery, full of possibilities. Don't box people in with limited expectations. Recognize their potential and welcome new growth and positive changes.

-- Care for yourself. Make it a priority to nourish your body, mind, and spirit. Your example will bless your friends, and you will have a much greater abundance of energy, kindness, creativity, and love to share.